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Healing is a Labyrinth

I want you to imagine the steps it takes to Spring clean your house. We think about it, plan it out, imagine how fresh and open the house will feel, plan some more, put it off until tomorrow or the next week because work is so busy and the family needs us and our best friend is going through a crisis and shit we forgot that appointment next week. Okay, maybe next month. Then we start and we rip a room apart, pull everything out with the music cranked to top volume as day dreams of organized cabinets and clutter free spaces drift through our minds. Then we need lunch so we take a break and while we eat lunch we should watch a video, right? We deserve the break. Then the break turns into we got a lot done and tomorrow we'll continue and that turns into three weeks later.

Spring Cleaning and Healing are so similar. We WANT it, we NEED it, we HAVE to do it, we KNOW we'll feel better once we start, but goddamn it's so hard and draining and can't we just put it off just a little bit longer? Can't we just keep on keeping on the way things are because we know what that looks like? Because we know what to expect even if it's causing damage. Even if it's suffocating us slowly. Or rapidly, depending on the situation.

There is healing that we can accomplish on our own. There is healing that we need the help of other's to get through and they are both valid and important. We have to pick our heads up out if the tide in order to recognize that we need either one and when we do we have two choices, put our heads back into the water or take a deep breath of fresh air and fight for ourselves. Make the choices that we don't want to make or don't think that we're capable of. Take the baby steps toward getting back to our truths.

Yesterday I did a weekly focus for the week (click the picture to see that post) and this Lady, the Morrigan smacked me square between the eyes.

Healing isn't linear, just like Spring cleaning we think about it, day dream, plan, procrastinate, start, stop and on and on. We allow outside influences to stop us or scare us off. We put stock into what others think our processes should look like, what our lives should be. They take the people we were years ago sometimes a lifetime ago and hold them against us and then we question our growth. Healing is a process a long and winding one that we HAVE to keep our eyes on or we fall off the path.

Recently I have had to make some choices in the fight for myself that I didn't think I could make. There was so much constriction around my decisions and where I could see things going that I was TERRIFIED to choose myself, despite the support from loved ones I took probably too long to start my journey back to self. I plunged back into that water more times than I care to admit. In the hardest moment, when I had just made a life changing decision a shadow from my past came forward and tried to unhorse me. Like when you're in the middle of that cleaning process and you look around and all you see is chaos and you can't fathom how it got this way and it ever looking like that Pintrest post you saw. They came in and tried to make me second guess every aspect of myself. I had to face some hard truths there, make peace with past me and carry on with the version of me I am striving for.

I chose grace for myself, I chose patience and kindness, I recognized that there was healing to be done for that person and maybe they needed to come for me in order to get through their own journey. What I'm getting at is that just like Spring cleaning isn't done in a day healing can't be done over night. It's circular and dizzying, there will be ups and downs but there will be these beautiful moments of clarity and peace. We just have to take the first step, suit up and fight for ourselves.

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